You want children? funny....

Basic Pitch · Post by **Basic Pitch** » Sun Oct 10, 2004 2:52 pm

--- Recieved this as an email from my wife recently, thought it was pretty humorous and figured I would share

You want children?
Are You Ready for Children?

Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)

Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

Cheers!

Immanuel · Post by **Immanuel** » Sun Oct 10, 2004 3:12 pm

Don't bother about goats. The kid will take care of them just fine ...

Would you miss this? (Sophie Meiying Cooper)

nprime · Post by **nprime** » Sun Oct 10, 2004 4:32 pm

Sure, but I don't see you posting pictures of her teething! Or pictures of the parents while she was teething...

That's a great shot!

What a little cutie!

R

[ This Message was edited by: nprime on 2004-10-10 17:33 ]

Post by **hubird** » Sun Oct 10, 2004 10:40 pm

................ 'Nice goat'

Post by **hubird** » Sun Oct 10, 2004 10:46 pm

................... ' We may be a nightmare, but you're dreaming us'

[ This Message was edited by: hubird on 2004-10-10 23:58 ]

emzee · Post by **emzee** » Sun Oct 10, 2004 10:51 pm

Once you start learning from children, things smooth out (until teething). But then, once they've trained you into being human, it's hard to go back to being shellfish.

nprime · Post by **nprime** » Sun Oct 10, 2004 11:04 pm

oh hub tell me please you have a selfish shellfish smilie!

R

emzee · Post by **emzee** » Mon Oct 11, 2004 1:57 am

It would have to demonstrate "the things we think we know.... but don't know....unless of course we know them but didn't think we knew them .... bound up in the things we knew we knew... but didn't know.... which is why we didn't realise we didn't know....and so at the end of the day, we realise we were just being shellfish" ... etc .. etc ...etc.

Methinks some yank speechwriter was a new parent.

[ This Message was edited by: Mikka on 2004-10-11 03:36 ]

Post by **hubird** » Mon Oct 11, 2004 8:10 am

On 2004-10-11 00:04, nprime wrote:
oh hub tell me please you have a selfish shellfish smilie!

thought it was a piggie...now I need a shellgoat

Spirit · Post by **Spirit** » Mon Oct 11, 2004 8:23 am

This is getting really OT in an OT thread, but here's the actual Rumsfeld quote. I think it's rather insightful... seriously !

"There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know.

"There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things we know we don't know.

"But, there are also unknown unknowns. These are things we don't know we don't know."

Counterparts · Post by **Counterparts** » Mon Oct 11, 2004 8:23 am

Basic Pitch wrote:
You want children?

Not desperately.

*runs*

Are You Ready for Children?

No...is anybody ever?

I think perhaps it's a little different for men than for women (in my case, certainly). There was a lady I was with quite a number of yeas ago whom I'd happily have had a child with; I don't have a very strong desire myself, so I guess that for me it depends upon who I'm with.

It didn't work out for various reasons...she left me for another woman in the end

(true)

Royston

astroman · Post by **astroman** » Mon Oct 11, 2004 1:35 pm

On 2004-10-11 09:23, Spirit wrote:
...here's the actual Rumsfeld quote. I think it's rather insightful... seriously !
...
"But, there are also unknown unknowns. These are things we don't know we don't know."

right Spirit, to use his words ... that is to say there are things we are absolutely shure of

cheers, Tom

astroman · Post by **astroman** » Mon Oct 11, 2004 1:38 pm

On 2004-10-11 09:23, Counterparts wrote:
...It didn't work out for various reasons...she left me for another woman in the end (true)

which is a clear NO the two questions printed in bold above

cheers, Tom

Spirit · Post by **Spirit** » Mon Oct 11, 2004 2:19 pm

Kids make you more aware of the human condition. Imho nothing can replicate the many deeply human thoughts & emotions that parenthood brings.

BingoTheClowno · Post by **BingoTheClowno** » Mon Oct 11, 2004 4:35 pm

On 2004-10-11 15:19, Spirit wrote:
Kids make you more aware of the human condition. Imho nothing can replicate the many deeply human thoughts & emotions that parenthood brings.

I assure you, most us have them (and I assume you mean POSITIVE human emotions since hate is also a human emotion), but sometimes it is very hard to express those feelings, in fact it's hard even for the parents to express them.

emzee · Post by **emzee** » Mon Oct 11, 2004 5:32 pm

Royston......... Who loves you baby?

The same thing recently happened to me! The first thing I said when she told me was, "I feel like the little boy who put his finger in the dyke". She was grateful for the humour at the time.

This was part of a stack of crises which will be shared (no doubt) in one form or another here on Z.

Post by **hubird** » Mon Oct 11, 2004 5:47 pm

............... ' I saved two dykes at once '

Post by **garyb** » Mon Oct 11, 2004 10:06 pm

i keep wondering what your wife is on about, pitch.....

wayne · Post by **wayne** » Tue Oct 12, 2004 1:57 am

p.s. - bubbies are

Basic Pitch · Post by **Basic Pitch** » Tue Oct 12, 2004 9:12 am

She better not be on about anything haha,

We just had one 16 months ago, its enough to keep me and my wallet quite busy as it is

Cheers!

[ This Message was edited by: Basic Pitch on 2004-10-12 10:20 ]