PlanetZ forums - scopeusers.com

Disclaimer: I am not, nor is this joke, meant to be anti-American. It's meant to be funny. Please add an Australian joke in return
----------------------------


Jay Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to come to grips with
the concept of irony.

"It was weird," Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy
and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?" and I
thought, "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather."

Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.

Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3,
plans to use irony himself in future. "I'm, like, using it all the time," he
said.

"Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them and I said, "Hey,
great weather."

Okay, Australian joke:

Australian foreplay:

"BRACE YOURSELF Sheila"

Ok, I never post jokes, but here's one:

A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. The mother-in-law dies.

They go to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home but that it'll cost over $5000,whereas they can bury her in the Holy Land for only $150.

The guy says, "We'll ship her home."

The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."

The guy says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Ok, here is the "slightly modified" Aussie joke

********************************************

An Aussie, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.

They found themselves stranded on a desert island and after being there for a while they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Aussie.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Aussie took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and lo, and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Aussie had ever seen.

She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening: red cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon the Aussie started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear...

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

********************************************

(originally posted by ... Spirit 2002-04-27 08:04)

Continuing the Aussie theme - some "true" bits.
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that needs repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Hilarious!!!

The Hypnotist:
It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until
suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

_________________
Paul R. Martin - Are we listening?

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: paulrmartin on 2003-08-19 15:52 ]</font>

My attempt:

Everyday, a hen owned by a maori man would lay an egg in his garden which was used his daily breakfast. One day, he looked into his garden only to find that the hen laid her egg in the Samoan’s garden.
He was about to go next door when saw the Samoan rush out of the house to pick up the egg for himself. The Maori ran up to the Samoan and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Samoan disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the Maori said, "In Aotearoa we normally solve disputes by the following method. I kick you in the nuts and time how long it takes you to get back up, and then you kick me in the nuts and time how long it takes me to get up. Whoever gets up the quickest wins the egg."
The Samoan thought for a moment and noticed that the Maori was only wearing barefeet. He then looked at his own feet, which boasted a shiny pair of new Nike Basketball boots.
He quickly agreed to resolve the dispute, "Maori Style".
The Maori took a few steps back and kicked the Samoan in the balls as hard as he could. The Samoan fell to the ground clutching himself and howled in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually, the Samoan stood up and said; "Now it’s my turn to kick you."
The Maori shrugged his shoulders and said, "Nahh, you can keep the egg!"

On 2003-08-19 14:44, Neil B wrote:
Continuing the Aussie theme - some "true" bits.
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that needs repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Oh my god! My sides! ROTFLMAO!!

Oh well, it is Friday after all!

Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club.
It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin.
Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......



BUMP........



BUMP........



BUMP........



Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.



BUMP........



BUMP........



BUMP........



He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly.... It was a coffin.
Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.



BUMP........



BUMP........



BUMP........



He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster.........



BUMP........BUMP.......



BUMP........BUMP.......



BUMP........BUMP.......



The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him......



BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...



BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...



BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...



He started to sprint, but so did the coffin ........



BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....



BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....



BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....



Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys. His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside, slamming the
front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his
comfy chair.
Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the
front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued it's chase.....



BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...



BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...



BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...



BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...



In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........



BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...



BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...



BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...



The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges.....
The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.



BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...



BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...



BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...



In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet......
He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin....... still it came ........



BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...



He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ......... still it came......



BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...



He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still it came......



BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...



He grabbed some Benylin cough mixture and threw it........







The coffin stopped.


Royston

Royston,
that is one of the best I've heard (read) this year. I was engrossed. Brilliant - you've made my day.

On 2003-09-05 09:57, Neil B wrote:
Royston,
that is one of the best I've heard (read) this year. I was engrossed. Brilliant - you've made my day.

Cheers, Neil!

I usually receive death threats for that one...

The weekend beckons...chance to get down to making some music!

Or fix my motorbike. Which was knocked over *again* by a car. Which didn't even have anybody in it this time...(sighs in a resigned fashion).

Happy Pulsaring!

Royston

Okay folks - help

I received an email today that contained such a funny short video clip that you all ought to see it. It will go well with this thread.
The problem is that I don't have a web site and need to email it to someone who can upload it somewhere, then add the link to this thread.
It is EXTREMELY funny - any offers? The file is approx 400K

Neils clip -> http://www.kuhrt.dk/planetz/neil/dewalt.wmv
Unfortunately I can not hear the sound myself, as the university PC, from witch I connect to the internet, does not have a soundcard.

a family go spend a weekend at their country side house. Daddy comes back from hunting with a dead duck and cooks it. they all sit down at the table and start to eat. Daddy says:

- just watch out while you eat kids, i might have forgotten to remove a little lead from there

His daughter goes to the toilet and comes back yelling:

- Daddy, daddy!
- whats up my little sunshine?
- well i went for a piss and some lead passed through!!
- don't talk like that! you should say urinate my love. Anyways finish your meals kids, see it's not dangerous

Later that night they hear the dog barking to death and the youngest son of the family walks into the living room out of breath:

- Daddy, daddy!
- what, you too did have problems with the lead?
- no i just killed the dog while jerking off

Well, maybe not irony but a must see.
Sorry Ladies....
http://www.vrgraz.at/download/fun_video ... eamJob.mpg

cheers